


What if - The painful memories of Oh Sehun

by Milu_chan



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Dark, Death, Drama, Imagination, Love, M/M, Memories, Multi, Oh Sehun-centric, Sexual Abuse, They all end up dating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-01-15 15:16:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18501616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Milu_chan/pseuds/Milu_chan
Summary: Don’t try to make a sense out of it because...it’s messy. Just embrace it. Sehun is kinda crazy but you’ll figure that on your own after the first few sentences. It should have been longer, but then I thought that I will get into more details after I finish all the chapters and somehow I had a certain vibe and mood when I wrote this, so now I don't really want to change it. Maybe I will rewrite it in the near future. So, giving the fact that this is my first piece ever written in English and that English is not my native language you will most likely find (a lot) of grammar mistakes. I’m still working on that. Hope you’ll enjoy.So, in every chapter Sehun will remember about one lover he had in the past. It will have 8 or 9 chapters and hopefully, based on the feedback I get,  a part two were they live happily ever after - kinda.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> That being said, here we go. This will be about Baekhyun and Suho, and it's sad, but again, all chapters will be. (Yeah, I know, I am a depressing drama queen).  
> Hope you guys will like it.

           We always ask ourselves: What if...? What would have happened if I got his number in the club, if I had the courage to speak up, to let him hear me, if I showed up at the meeting point in that windy afternoon. If I would have been more brave, if I would have followed my dream instead of following my parent’s wishes, if I would have had the guts to tell him “I love you”. If I would have smiled back then, would you have liked me better? Maybe I should have played more hard to get. Maybe I was a too easy target. Slutty. I thought you liked that about me. Didn’t you? Oh, you did not. My bad. Heh, another ‘If’ adds to the list then: If I wouldn’t have cheated would you still be by my side today? Probably not. You never liked the way I roll up my cigars in the middle of the night, smoking outside the balcony. Wasn’t that sexy enough for you? Oh, my bad again. It’s not you anymore. It’s the other one, the second. You already left when I first cut my veins in the kitchen, right before the sakura trees bloomed. You dumped me like trash in the hospital, unable to move or even touch your hand for one last time, sleepy after so many painkillers. Everything was a blur, I did not see your eyes clearly, nor the tears falling down your cheeks. Maybe there was nothing for me to see. Maybe you didn’t even cry. It doesn’t matter now, does it? Later that week I went to the park where the cherry trees finally bloomed. In my jacket’s pocket I had two tickets for the exposition of flowers you wanted to see so badly. Oh, but I did. Of course, my darling, of course I went with him. Tell me, have I got under your skin now? Is your heart aching and twitching, knowing it could be you and not him. Mine does. Yet still after all these years, it aches when your name crosses my mind. How stupid we both were. I can’t help but wonder…If I show up at your door, would you let me in? To ravish your lips once again, to pull your hair to the back, for you to say my name, blushing like the shy one that you’ve always been. Your bed always creaked, but your neighbors won’t mind. The lady upstairs is too old to hear anything at all, and the girl next door, well, we all know what she does for a living. Were where we? Ah yes, I was making love to you. Or not. Hmm, you’re right; I should have thought it through. I would have showed up at your door, probably a bit tipsy, you would have slapped me, yelling and shouting all the times I did you wrong: the drinking, the late nights when you stayed up with your empty eyes starring outside the window, waiting for me to show up. 

”Were where you in those nights…? Answer me. Answer me!” Then you start shaking and crying, screaming louder, asking me, questioning me, hating me, cursing me with the most awful curses. “I...I could...you could have been the one for me. I loved you in ways that no other man ever will.” “On that we can agree, Baekyun. Your love was innocent and pure in ways I really can’t describe. In every touch and every word I felt your love, surrounding me tightly. But, God, how suffocating it was. There, I said it. You want to know why I didn’t come home at night? Because you were always fucking there, that’s why. You were taking my air and my life. Don’t you dare say I did not love you back. It’s not my fault I’m not you, the clingy type. I loved you to death. I cheated. FINE. But so did you. No, no, don’t blame this on me. You chose to cheat me as well and you did me wrong just as much as I did. And even more, with who? That trash, that scum you know I can’t even stand? Was it a good fuck at least? Better than me? Maybe even more possessive? More brutal? That disgusting hickey on your chest had my stomach twirl and there, only there Baekyun, I started to hate you so much it hurt me.” 

Don’t you find it strange how words can do so much harm? For me and Baekyun, it was the last drop in a glass already full. The words we have said over the past two years, the words we should have said and the words we shouldn’t have. It was all there, lingering above us like a thick fog and all I could see in that moment were his lips, his messy hair, and how underneath those trembling eyelashes his eyes were filled with lust. Need. Despair. Despair for the situation we’re in, the vicious cycle of a toxic relationship that’s burning us down, turning our poor souls, or what has remained of it, into ashes. Let our ashes clash tonight, whether it will do so in a chaste kiss or one last goodbye. Oh Baekyun, they say we never know how happy we are until we’re sad. Why can’t I push you away from my heart, just an inch apart, so that I can breathe without feeling your heavy head on my chest and your hot breath on my neck? Will you remember my kisses over the years? After you marry and adopt two beautiful girls, after you get the perfect life you truly deserve, my love, will I fade away? Burry our memories deep into your heart, remember the way you shivered under my touch, the way your back arched when we made love and the way my lips sang your name. Why were we such a good fit for one another if it killed us in the same time? Karma? Yeah, you always believed in that shit. Karma and Gods, please make it work. Cause I cannot leave this beautiful man sleeping in my arms tonight when the morning comes. His heartbeat keeps mine alive. God, please be good to me even if I am not worth it.

“Stay. It kills me, but, please, Sehun, stay. Don’t leave me. Just for now. Just for a little while.”

And there it was. Our happiness that is yet to come. Cheers to the Gods and the words that came out of his mouth. That beautiful mouth that I am going to kiss every morning and every night for the rest of my life. The moment you said it, we both knew I am not leaving anymore, anywhere. That this is our chance to be.

What a nice picture. Just like in a renaissance painting, it brings hope into your dammed souls. Don’t be fools, it never really happened. It could have happened if I would have knocked on his door on that rainy night. But I didn’t. What happened after, you ask? Well, I asked the second guy in my life to go out with me. “Got something better to do this Saturday? The exposition isn’t gonna be much but let’s call it a starting point. We can have some drinks in my apartment after, it’s really close.” “I am not getting fucked on our first date, but I might let you buy me lunch after.” “Who said it’s a date?” “You want to fuck me? Date me. I’m old schooled.” Your smile got to me. Your arrogant confidence awoke something in me that it was long forgotten and for the first time in ages, I smiled. For your camera. Cause you just had to be one damn pretty photographer who happened to love flowers. You were my snowdrop, Suho, with your god damn smirk and bossy attitude. And I loved every inch of you. But the spring passed too quickly and you were just a snowdrop so you wilted not long after you bloomed. Did I broke your wings, have I tore you apart? I might have but that’s only your fault, Suho. You fell like an innocent lamb into my trap, so easily, without putting up a fight. It was almost disappointing for me to watch you after you gave in so easily, but you were one of the few to arouse my curiosity, to startle me in bed. I still think to this day that you were bipolar. You must have been. The man that left me bruises along the insides of my thighs wasn’t the man that took photos of flowers; the Suho that always kissed the space between my cheek and eye so sweet and delicate, curling up in my arms wasn’t the dominator that pinned me down, facing me against the wall, leaving the lights on. I still feel the thrill, the eagerness for you to have me, for me to have you. The ripped bed sheets, the muffled screams in the pillows, the insane desire to possess someone. You were crazy as fuck Suho and you made sure I will love every inch of your body after each sun set, letting the warm of spring to embrace our already sweaty bodies. We burned away, too fast, like a box of matches lighting up gasoline. The scent of lilies floating around the house may have gotten us drunk, dizzy, which only led us to an even more faithful worship of each other’s bodies. You were a match for me Suho. Truly. 

Look, I’m standing here, on the very same rattled old bed, and out of the dozens of men that have been in it, you were among the few, if not the only one who truly understood my madness. Why did you kill yourself Suho? Oh, what a shame. Believe it or not, I even cried. No, of course I didn’t attend your funeral. Your dead body wouldn’t have moved me in any way, but this room, it still smelled like you. It had your fingerprints, your laughs, your moans, even your hairs hidden in every corner, underneath every book, every pillow. But the night was empty, the lilies perished and the apartment got too hot. Summer was here. But you weren’t. I truly wish I could have saved you, Suho, my love. If I would have come with you that night, when you presented your new photos, would you have still shot yourself? What a violent way to go. You were madly beautiful, Suho. “My snowdrop, don’t. Live. At least live for me.” And I would have called an ambulance, the paramedics would have told me not to worry about it, that everything will be fine from now on.

“I can’t breathe, Sehun. I need so much. I don’t know what I need, but it feels like I want to dig my nails deep into my skin, ripping it of every time I don’t find it. Don’t leave me, Sehun. I am alive and now I don’t know which way to go. I was supposed to be dead and now, I’m alive, I have to keep on living and I..” “And I got this for you. For both of us.” And I did. You stopped photographing happy things and the more depressed your collections were, the more happy and content our home was. Ironically. While every newspaper was writing about your hypothetical mental problems – which, honestly, weren’t so hypothetical – you were blooming once again. Spring passed the treshold to our home. Mine and yours. Ours. Did that happen? No, of course not. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be staying here with a bottle of shitty bourboun in my hand. Ah, the stupidity and ignorance I was capable of at 25. I can’t stop to wonder how well, what a perfect, almost tangible life the three of us could have had. What if…


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soo...don't blame me for what I did to Xiumin. I love him too, it's just I had this picture of him being a slut/escort, you name it, so I had to write it down. Hope you'll enjoy it.

          I’m not sure whether you were a light in the dark or the utter darkness in which I chose to dive. You were the liquor my veins needed in those times and who was I to say no when you were so willing to fill me in? It’s so strange to think of you now. I regret you and it gives me nightmares. I can almost hear the nails scratching the floor while you were screaming and begging for all of it to come to an end. It’s just my pure imagination, of course. Maybe if I would have wandered the hallway for just one second after putting my jacket on I could have saved you. There was something of with the man that passed me by. I knew it the moment I saw his face and then, my heart flinched. He’ll hurt him. He’ll hurt you. I knew, and yet I did nothing to stop that. My body wanted to because without even realizing I shifted halfway, only to find the murderer glaring “Aren’t you done with him?” My lips did not move and as I looked down, avoiding his gaze, I saw my shoe lace loose. Who the fuck cared about the shoe lace? Apparently I did because I found myself saying “Oh, my shoe lace.” There. That was all I could say to the man that killed my mistress. 

         The ceiling was falling inch by inch, crushing my shoulders, my existence, my heart – one that I did not know was still able to feel love – and the floor was swallowing me, up to my knees. I can’t recall what happened exactly or how I got out on the streets, with the snow whipping my entire body. I started to cry before it was over. I knew it wasn’t, that is going to take longer, that you will agonize, petrified, yours eyes starring off into nowhere, paralyzed. So on my way back home I screamed my lungs out, with a piece of glass in my hand. Blood was dripping down on my fingers, leaving a disgusting trace on the immaculate snow. What a good metaphor for us, wouldn’t you say so, Xiumin? I was a bloody stain on your angelic soul and you could not wipe me out, not even after you died. They told me you left a note. The very same crumpled paper I have in my hand now. Half burned from my cigarettes, with the writing almost unreadable from the tears I shed over it, the words were there, lying quietly. Just by starring at what was once Xiumin’s writing my entire existence shivered. And another wave of despair puts a hold on me, trapping me in a small, low ceiling room, forcing my subconscious to imagine and replay over and over those awful images – the ones that return each winter, the ones that doomed my soul to a never ending damnation and cut me wide open, leaving me crawl with a deafening pain for the rest of my life. One that I accept eagerly, knowing it’s mine to take – my cross to carry – knowing it’s not yet enough for what I have sinned. I was your love, your stain of impure, contagious sick blood and I killed you in every dimension I could. It was wrong for the police officers to arrest that man, when I was the one that truly killed you, doing that in good faith. It would be childish of me to blame the other me, the demon that seems to take over whenever something good comes my way. You taught me how to fight it, to withstand against its shadows and spells. You taught me how to say no to him. But in the late night, on the hallway that smelled like rottenness and mold I could not hear you whisper and I could not face him alone. And so I betrayed you and the last hope of redeeming myself died along.

          You took me by surprise that night when you confessed. No, I’m not trying to blame this on you. Just like winter, you fought your way for everything I had given you and it was a twisted heavy journey to my heart. One that I thought you will lose. I admit to that, as I do every time I get the chance to: I did it on purpose. The person reading these lines already knows this as I have told them about my dear Baekyun and my snowdrop, Suho. Don’t get jealous now, Xiumin, I told you repeatedly that they were both dead when we met. Huh, who would have thought that an escort would afford to get jealous? Of course, I know, no need to remind me. I know I was the only one. This – me – is why _HE_ killed you. How foolish of you to think he would let you be just because you asked him to. He was a mobster for fuck sake! He owned you even if your heart was mine. Hell, I should have saved you. What if I had chosen to stay? Rewinding it all back to the moment you confessed.

           The room was bathing in twilight colors and there was something in the way the lights would fall on your hair, revealing only half of your face, only half of your naked body. You were alluring me, trying to get me tipsy again with the touches of your hands on my chest. Your eyes walking all over my body, as your face would remain serious, as if it was a matter of life and death. Ironically, it was. I was sitting in that red chair covered with fur, measuring you, not being able to hold my smirk as you were lowering your body against the pole, with your hands up, and your legs wide open, pushing your hips to the front, teasing me, playing me. My demons were crawling their way out of the prison I carved for them, but I was still behaving. Tonight I wanted so badly to be good. For you. So I patiently waited for you to get on all fours and get between my legs, to pleasure me like no one else ever could. I was waiting for you to leave me unfinished, for me to cup your cheek and swipe my thumb across your bottom lip. To hear you whisper “Take me.”, to see you getting on top of me, taking me all in, to kiss every inch of your chest while my hands could a get a firm grip of your hips. I was waiting for your hands to pull me closer, to catch me off guard while you arch your head back, moaning, trying to say my name. You would lose it – I was your darkest weakness, wasn’t I – so with each thrust you’d sink deeper, faster. I would grab you while your legs would wrap around my pelvis, holding me tightly, as afraid that if you would let go even a bit, I would vanish, erasing myself from your life. By now – I can see it perfectly – we’re fucking on the table and you lay on your back – even though I know how much you hated it – for me to see you. The table is moving frantically and exposed as you are, you put your hand on your eyes, resembling a small child in a failed attempt to hide. You tilt your head to the side, flushed, embarrassed, with your mouth partially opened and so I drag you back in a sloppy kiss. While your lips have lost the battle, your tongue is still trying to shout my name. But you can only shudder and whisper. 

          But in that particular night, this never happened. I felt your anxiety the moment I walked in. The fear in your eyes was completely new to me. The fear of being rejected, of ending up a mediocre escort, with no tickets to a better life. To a life filled with, hmpf, love. I want to sit down, but you’re making me nervous and though the room is warm, I get shivers down my spine. For what you’re about to say. For what I’m about to do. Because here, Xiumin, is where I would change the story. Give me a new thread to spin, for I desire nothing more, than to change your fate. “I haven’t seen others. I mean…I told the others to stop coming.” “I see.” I see how you look up to me, your eyes getting bigger, your lips trembling because of the words you have to say. “Maybe I mean nothing to you, but you are everything to me. At least, please keep coming every Monday and Friday, like you do now. I beg you.” I read the last three words on your lips because you don’t dare to say it out loud.

          Here is where I would rush to kiss you, moving my hands chaotically over you, for that the sudden feeling of love finds me overwhelmed, leaving my body unable to cope. Maybe this is why I start trembling and…crying? Aah, you would be such a good lover for me. A good husband. You wouldn’t control me, but tame me. You wouldn’t ask, you would wait for me to give you. And so we find ourselves on our knees, on the floor, panting. Mouths still touching, you would start to laugh. And what’s left for me except to breathe you in? To tape your laughter, your sincere, wholeheartedly laughter on a music box and to listen to it in my darkest moments. To hear the light splashing and cutting through the dark, to hear the tears of happiness falling down like rain on a summer day. “Is there any chance you can get this pole dancing to my apartment? Sorry, our apartment.” “I’m sure we can figure something out.” So we would pack nothing – because this past no longer defines you; I am the only connection, the bridge that stands between your future and your past – and leave in a hurry, getting into a taxi to drive us _home._ The man would find the room empty and you would be in my arms, snuggling and giggling.

          Only if that was real. It wasn’t. The bitterness burdens my already aching heart and so I remember glimpses of what could have been a bright future.

          Sweating and panting heavily, we lay legs and arms intertwined. The lights in the room are so poor I can barely see his face. But I don’t mind it.  As long as I can feel his beating heart and hot breath next to me, I know it’s alright. I run my hand through his hair when I hear him asking

          “Do you like it like this? If not, I can change it. “ 

          “Leave it like that. It suits you.”

          “Doesn’t it make me look childish?”

           I can’t help but laugh hearing that.

          “No, that’s your face you might consider changing.”

          “Would you change my face if you could?” He looked me in the eyes serious, almost nervous.

          “I would swipe your fear away from your beautiful face. We don’t want you to get any wrinkles, don’t we now?” That adorable blush. “My purpulicious butterfly. My, my, all mine.”

          “Aaah, it tickles, it tickles. Stop it, Sehun, I am warning you I will use force if needed.”

          Adorable creature in front of me, where have you come from? Where are you going to? Stay on my path just another extra mile. And then another. And another. Until there will be no more miles to go. No more roads to take.  “Butterflies don’t use force. They use their charm and grace. Their beauty. And ultimately, their purplelicious hair.”

          Because when I saw the pictures with your dead body, empty eyes, still filled with terror and fear, skin cut deep to the broken bones, dry blood covering your skin, Xiumin, this was all I could recognize: your god damn purplelicious hair. And everything that could have been died along with the body in the photo. You were the butterfly in my life, Xiumin. And like any other butterfly, your life was short, not longer than 3 days. In my memories, I meet you somewhere at the beginning of December but I lose track of you on the way, only to find a dead corpse at the end of February. You were my winter, Xiumin, and what a splendid winter it has been. You warmed my heart and tamed my madness only to fly away to a better world. Because only God knows how heavy this world must have been to you and how painful it has crushed your wings. Maybe you did belong here from the beginning, in the room with poor lights, filled with the scent of Tabaco. And maybe it was your destiny to suffer, to not know what a happy ending looks like. I have your note close to my chest; tears are falling down my cheeks again and soon I won’t be able to read it out loud. “It’s alright” I hear you whisper and so I keep repeating it like a mantra. My only mantra, my only pray from my purplelicious lover.” Gwaenchanha


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again. It feels like I'm talking by myself here, but hope dies last. Anyway this chapter is about Chen, our loving adorable cat. It's needless to say that is a sad story, you should know that by now.  
> But, as always, I do hope you'll like it and also, I wanted to thank and send all my hugs to the guest that left a kudo. You really made my day. I also want to thank all the people that read this, it means the world to me, given that it's my first piece of work published here.

Some say that some things are simply not meant to be. Not meant to exist. You must have been one of them. You were like a flower suffocated by weeds, unable to feel the gently touch of the sun in the beginning of summer. You were a lost little shell carried too far away from the sea, unable to feel the cooling sensation of the waves embracing your body. You were the purity in the dirt, the innocent among the sinners. A kid’s soul in the world of men, of guns and violence. And how badly you wanted to escape the underground world you were trapped in. 

Your fragile spirit did not belong in the hectic mess your family was involved in. I always appreciated how your father understood that. It was – for the time being – a happy case. Maybe it was because of the tragic fate and misfortune of your mother – the death of a beautiful promising ballerina at only 25 years old. The newspapers wrote all about her life, how she was expected to be one of the greatest ballet dancers that the world has ever seen, how she managed to be in such a good shape only 4 months after giving birth to a sweet boy. I know how difficult it was for you. Of course you don’t remember anything, you were simply too small. But that made it even more frustrating: not having something to hang on to. You missed the presence of a mother; the longing was always in your eyes, but what you couldn’t force yourself to feel was the pain itself. Everyone praised her at family reunions, sharing a few tears each and there while you sat silently, but no emotions were boiling inside you, no tears forming at the corners of your eye. You did not miss your mother and that made you feel constantly guilty, unable to live without carrying a little box of sorrow and frustration in the pocket next to your heart. But your melancholic state only made you more beautiful. Your eyes were painted, drawing me closer, patting my hair and embracing me with kindness. How could you withhold in such a tiny body like yours so much kindness? So much love and purity? When you smiled it felt like I’m holding a kitty in my arms and not a man.

“I think you are aware of the situation. From what I can see, you are no stranger to the reality we’re facing.”

“No, Sir, I am not. I am willing to do what it takes to stay by his side.”

Your old man was intimidating to death. But despite him looking like a grizzly, he had a soft heart and you really were his weak spot. It was touching to see how his sharp, cutting eyes could turn so soft at your sight. Maybe it was because you resembled so much with your mother.  The first time your dad showed me a picture with her, I was speechless. Put it next to one of pictures now and I bet my heart – or what’s left of it – that everyone will say you’re brothers. You were a living memory of your mother, even in the way you tilted your head or moved through the room. I always wondered how come your father didn’t hate you. Everyday he saw a glimpse of something that no longer exists, the love of his life. Everyone wondered that. But again, your father was not like any other man. Half Chinese, half Russian, he had a though past, lacking love, compassion and family. His eastern European roots were more present than he liked to show; always trying to find about how university is going, your latest hobbies and of course, your love life. He later told me he always knew you were gay. It was you who was oblivious.

“But thank God you came into his life and made such a bald move. I have to admit Sehun, there may have been others interested in him, but heck who dares to date the son of a mafia head? You got some nerve, kid. Cheers.”

Neat vodka. Of course I have. Just look at him. How could I not have him?

You may wonder how come I didn’t end up dead given my talent to ruin and end my lovers. This one – the one who made me a widower – ended me.  Don’t be shocked now. Because with Chen, I found the love to settle me down. It was the beginning of summer when it all started.

You were wearing a t-shirt three times your size, so big that it got to your knees, covering the short pants you had. You looked ridiculous, like a baby walking around in the house, babbling and dancing. You were making an attempt at playing soccer when you noticed me starring. At first you thought it’s just a coincidence and you turned your head back to the game. My insistence however, draw your attention. It was so easy for me to read you, so when you stopped for a second to look at me, I knew we were about to have our first date soon. For an introvert like you, stopping in the middle of the game even just for a second resembled most likely, with the apocalypse. My ego could only grow bigger as you waved your hand at me at the end of the game. Your ears turned scarlet red when you realized your father might see you. And in a blink of an eye, you were gone.

It was only a week later when we got the chance to talk again. Leaning against the door, I kept my eyes shut, following the rhythm of your voice. I must have gotten carried away ‘cause I did not heard you coming towards me. The magic stopped and the spell broke when the song ended. As I opened my eyes, another spelled was cast upon me: your trembling tiny body, in that silly uniform; the twilight invading the room, capturing the half open lips into a warm dance. But it was my dance to take and how unfair, still to this day, I find that the last rays of sun before the night fell got to your lips faster than I did. But I could not be so daring this time. You charmed me.

“Please consider going on a date with me.” You bowed you head, looking how your fingers were about to start the third world war against each other. It was painful just to watch.

“Don’t you think you need them for later as well? Fingers are kind of useful, you know?”

The miracle happened and you laughed wholeheartedly, genuinely. So we both started to laugh like crazy, until we ended up on the floor, hand in hand. How badly I wanted to have those lips, to lick and bite until it’s numb. The thoughts and desire send shivers through my spine. But I could not be so daring this time. So I gently placed a chaste kiss on your hand, while looking you the eyes. As if acting in a fairytale, you played your part so well, blushing and looking away shyly, mumbling something about how your father was expecting you for dinner.

“Let us meet again.” I whispered as the spell broke once again. And for the rest of the month, we did. As if walking into a sanctuary, almost no words were being spoken. Only fragments of heavenly chords coming out of your mouth delighted my ears.

Sometimes I would bring a book, waiting patiently for you to come closer, to brush my cheek with your thumb, to ask me in whisper if I want to leave. I would drive you all the way to your house every afternoon. It was a long way to go so by the time I dropped you off, dark would set in. Sometimes you finished your practice faster so we would stop in the park, feeding the swans and watching the sunset setting the horizon in flames. By now, we’re holding hands and I can feel my heart burning away along with the hills. By now, you look me in the eye when you smile and laugh. By now, you lean into my touch, and I often find you seeking opportunities to touch me, to rest your head against my shoulder, to let me know you’re happy. And I get it.

It’s already half of October when I get to meet your father. And while we get along perfectly from the start, you can’t calm your nerves, afraid I might run.

“Don’t be so anxious, Chen, I like this boy. Be wise and marry him. He is strong.”

And while you’re dying in embarrassment, melting in your seat, you stop breathing, at a loss of words, when you hear me say “I’d wish nothing more on this earth. Listen to your father, Chen. He’s a wise man.”

Later that night I find you on the sofa, in the dark.

“Your father left. He said he has some important issues that cannot wait till morning. I guess I should be going now as well.”

“You never told me.” He pauses for a second, as if he would tell himself that he has to stay serious, upset. “You asked my father if you can date me before that day. The soccer game. What if I would have said no to you? Who were you to go to my father like that?”

“How could you say no to this face?”

“Sehuun”

“Okay, okay, look I… I wanted you. And I wouldn’t have accepted a no for an answer. I would have bought you flowers everyday, maybe write letters, maybe leaving heart shaped notes in your locker.”

“And what was that at the table, talking about marriage like I’m not even in the equation? This is not the 20th century anymore and even though my father is the head of the Korean mob he’s not…why are you laughing? Sehun, really, why are you laughing?” But he started to laugh seeing me breathless, red like a lobster from so many laughs.

“Are you sure you are not still living in the 20th century, your royal highness? You made me court you for almost 5 months, we shared…how many kisses, oh wait I can count it with the fingers from one hand. It feels like I’m playing Al Pacino in Godfather dating that young Italian girl.”

“Oh, so I’m a girl now, huh?”

“Well, I’m already Al Pacino so we’re kind of running out of options here.”

“Pff, you’re one impossible man to live with Sehun Oh.” He paused again, concentrating on a wine stain on the carpet. “And what makes you think I’ll marry you if you keep that condescending attitude?”

“Ah, so you do want to marry me.”

 “Well, it’s not like I’ve been fooling around until now. Sehun, if you don’t want to end up like that poor stain on the carpet, I suggest you stop laughing.”

 “Your Majesty, thank you for not fooling around with my heart. Your Highness is too kind with this poor servant.”

“Just drop it.”

 “Chen. Marry me.”

“Don’t joke around. It’s no fun anymore.”

“Chen. Marry me.”

“Are you serious? We are still young. I don’t want people to laugh at you because you married a guy that doesn’t even kiss you properly”

“In the 20th century actually, we should have already been married by now. I’d say we let everyone out of this. It’s just about me and you. Will you marry me, Chen?”

 “Yes, Sehun, yes with all my heart.” You jumped in my arms and as we both fell to the ground you kissed me for the sixth time. The butterflies in my stomach went crazy.  I’m sure his did too.

*

“We can still run away. Europe sounds good to me.”

“We will. In our honeymoon. I can’t run from my own wedding. Just think about all the effort we put in.”

“You mean, you did. All I did was try 10000 types of food. I got a bit fat. I have the start of a belly. Will you still marry and love me if I get fat?”

“Hmm I might have to reconsider. Kim, please come here for a second. I think we need to stop with the preparations. My fiancée got fat and I don’t find him atrac….aaah”

“Come here, you evil creature”

“You will get me bruised. What will people think?”

“If you’re worried about a tiny bruise you might consider live indoor for the rest of your life, cause once I’ll get a hold of that body…may the Gods have mercy on you.”

“You pervert. Someone might hear you. They are in the room next door.”

 “Oh, really? People in the room next door I can’t wait to…mmm, don’t sush me”

“Of course I’m sushing you.”

“If you kiss me I might shut up.”

 “FINE.”

“What’s this? This is a kiss? No. People in the other room next door I can’t…” But I never got to finish my sentence as we rolled onto the bed, with him on top, kissing me. Usually soft and tender, Chen’s kisses melted me right away. But this time it was as if he was shouting “There. There you have it.”  So I was more than happy to take what it has been given to me, biting and sucking on his bottom lip, while my hands couldn’t decide where  they should remain, instead caressing Chen’s back. I knew I shouldn’t make a move too daring. I have learned my lesson by now. A few minutes into the kiss he didn’t stop – to my surprise – adjusting himself more comfortable in my lap. What a nice surprise: my innocent fiancée was getting naughty while we had company. Manners forgotten, I grabbed his ass, squeezing it, pulling him closer to me. As we both moaned into the kiss I found myself shirtless, with Chen placing short kisses all over me. If he was about to go lower I would be doomed – not that I wasn’t already.

“Stop.”

“What? But I thought…I am doing something wrong? I thought…?” He was so panicked that his voice was cracking into small, round, salty tears.

“No, no, you did nothing wrong. That’s the thing: you were doing it too well. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself and this is not how I want your first time to look like.” He blushed deeply, trying to say something. But he didn’t. I kissed him on the forehead, whispering in his ear:

“I can’t wait for tonight. I want to hear more of you. And I don’t mean just singing.”

Unexpectedly, he replied: “Oh, but make sure I will make my husband extremely happy. I won’t stop until he will be truly pleased.”

*

Looking through the old photos, we had such a beautiful perfect life together. Just like in your dad’s case, my look would turn soft the moment I laid eyes on you. I felt like I needed to protect you from the outer world who had so much evil and hate unlike your pure heart. But in the end, as I do all the time, I failed.

“My child, I wish your mother could be here to see in what a fine young man you’ve turned into. This old man here is blessed to know you have someone like Sehun by your side. He will be able to take care of you like I always wished. I can now die in peace.” But it was not you who died that night, Father. It was Chen.

“Daaaad, don’t say such things. Come here.”

After we were done hugging and greeting everyone, it was time for us to get in the car. The car that was supposed to drive us to our new house, our new home, our own little nest where our love could grow as the days go by. That car was supposed to drive us to Europe, to Russia, where your aunts would feed us lots of home cooked food and get us drunk with vodka. That car was supposed to get us to the orphanage were we would adopt a lovely girl. The car was supposed to drive us back – our first drive as parents - and then drive us daily to work, to school, to university. Everywhere. That car was the rope between today and the rest of our lives.  But we didn’t even make it to the car. We remained lingering somewhere in the past, between the blurry shadows of the frightful events that happened back then. I still feel the panic running through my veins and the pain is so intense that I find myself chocking, slain by the memories. It’s like rewinding an old movie that happened in frames. Us, smiling and laughing on the porch, holding hands with our fingers intertwined, impatiently waiting to go to our home. Two frames later, I feel pain in my leg. So much pain. But it’s only amplified at the terrifying discovery that you feel pain as well. Your smile is gone, and thick blood is dripping from your mouth. I don’t remember breaking the eye contact, but I knew somehow you were shot to death – that the bullet hit your stomach and spine, and that you will soon be dead. By now I can only hear your voice calling my name and as we lay down, in front of your dad’s house, with one hand supporting your head and with the other holding you, pressing as hard as I can on your stomach, I hear your whisper:

“Maybe you should have taken advantage of the opportunity we had earlier. Despite the people next door. What a lousy husband I turned out to be…dying before I’m even able to make love to you.”

 “No, don’t talk stupid things. You’re not going to die. We’ll go home and I will tell you thousands, no, million times how much I love you” By now I am crying so hard I can’t hold back the trembling.

 “God, why didn’t I tell you more often how much I love you.” “Sehun?” And, this, Chen, I remember this with my whole being. It’s like you’re here, beside me, singing for the last time the beginning of what should have been our perfect life “So can I be your boyfriend can I?” – the song you sang to me in the end of the summer, with the twilight hovering over us.

But it was the end of autumn when we got married. The snow set in three days later at your funeral. And along with it, death came to. Out of all the man that ever got a piece of my heart, Chen, you are the brightest, the purest. You are love itself. And you got me, not just my heart. You got my soul forever because that evening, before the moonlight, I said yes, just I like did in front of the altar. I said yes for life. A month later I got our wedding pictures through mail. Now this is all I’ve got left. Please come back, my angel and sing to me. “So can I be your boyfriend can I?”


	4. Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, dears. So I know it has been a while and I know, believe me, I know how annoying is when you have to wait for the next chapter. But this year I have my bachelor thesis to write and exams and mid terms and well well let not go there *not having any mental breakdowns here,nope*  
> Anyway I hope you will enjoy reading it just as much as I did writing it. And thank you so much for the views, the kudos, the comments. I will say this literally everytime, because it means the world to me.

I had all sorts of boyfriends. Some passed through my life like wind, some decided to hang around for a season or two. But that summer in Greece can still scatter the clouds on a stormy day. I knew the economic crisis would soon wipe out the flourishing businesses, leading to the fall of all major Greek companies’ shares. I had no particular interest in investing in this country, as almost 20% of my businesses already had ties with Europe. However, summer was about to come and the loneliness within me felt the need of someone’s touch. Therefore, three days later, I found myself in Athens’ city center, with the sun burning me up like a burrito.

“So far, not good.”

But, trying to keep a positive attitude – yes, the sun must have damaged my brain – I made my way through the crowd, searching for the bus meant to take me to a place called Kalopsia. Later I would find out its meaning, leaving me in wonder, always asking myself to this what was real and what wasn’t. The delusion of things being more beautiful than they really are. If a shut my eyes real tight and listen carefully I hear the floorboard creak under your footsteps along with the song. Only now the song is fading and you’re far far away.

*

“You must be our new guest. Estevaaaan, come help him with the luggage. He’ll be here in a second. Just leave it here and come inside, you must be starving.”

As I set down in the small kitchen, waiting for the food, I got a closer look at the lady in front of me. She must have been around her forty, maybe fifties, and while she was wearing a long vaporous flax dress, you could still see clearly the curves of her body. Even though she was a bit chubby, tanned and had her hair in all possible directions, she was beautiful. Her eyes were soft and you could tell just by the way she took my hand and welcomed me into her house that she is a good person. It was obvious that her pension had already encountered some financial problems, as small local businesses are always the first victims when economy is going downwards. The place needed some renovation, as the cracks in the corners of the ceiling were big enough to host a spider’s party.

How come I have chosen this place, you wonder? Sometimes, when you want to get out, to escape and break free of all that’s surrounding you, a fancy hotel may not do the trick. This way, I could fade and lose myself among the tourists, feeling the vibe of the city, finding the rhythm of living here, by the sea.

Thanking her for the delicious meal, I changed my shoes with a comfortable pair of flip flops, excited to see the sea. It was a late afternoon and the fiery sun has lost its wildness, retreating in defeat for the time being. A strong wind was luring me, lifting up my shirt and messing my hair as the waves crashing against the rocks were humming names long time forgotten. Names of gods and goddesses, of mermaids and sailors dead for centuries, lives forever trapped in the mighty empire of Poseidon. So many memories, love stories, sad, heartless, preposterous stories lying at the bottom of the sea. Climbed onto some rocks, I could grasp the entire quarter, with its little lights lit before the entry door of each house, with its cats and old people chatting while the housewives were calling for the children to come back inside before the dark would set in. Then I realized it was getting late, and the moment my eyes turned to face the sea, only an infinite black was to be seen. I could no longer distinguish the shore from the water, nor the shape of the rocks I climbed.

“Smart move, Sehun. Smart move. And of course you did not bring your phone. Why would you?”

Well, it was getting cold, but catching a cold seemed the better option compared to a broken neck. And death, by implication. I lied down, putting my right arm under my head, facing the sky. I like to see the beauty – whether it comes covered in purity or madness – in people – men, in particular – but this was different. Astonishing and breathtaking. The sky looked like an endless dark navy blue piece of velvet, with sparkling glitter shimmering all over. Maybe somewhere up in the skies Aphrodite’s hair was braided with silver strings, leaving crumbs to fall onto the sky and for us, petty mortals, to enjoy. A breeze must have tickled her delicate locks of hair, as suddenly, the sky filled with glimmering little pearls meant to please the eye. I reached out to catch one, wondering, without sadness, if Chen, Suho, Baekyun or Xiumin were in the palace above us, the one with great balls, violins playing sweet serenades, couples flowing around the room as the elders would watch, enjoying a glass of wine while remembering the good old days, where their youth and laughter tickled the walls of the hidden empire. My hands cannot reach out to the stars and maybe it’s not our time to meet again just yet, so stay safe and sound. Stay happy. All of you.

“Hey, need some help over there? We don’t want our guest to die. You see, you haven’t paid yet.”

It was a voice of a man this time, other than Estevan. First sight, it seemed younger but the deepness threw drops of something I can’t name yet. I liked it and as the echoes rose up to my ears, my body vibrated like a guitar pinched by the strings.

“Thank you. I wasn’t keen on catching a cold.”

“Come this way. We had dinner a while ago, but I’ll keep you company.”

I wanted to let him know I don’t mind being alone, quite the opposite, but there was no chance or need of a reply from my side.

“I hate to eat alone. The food tastes better when you’re sharing with someone.”

I meekly nodded my head in agreement and followed him, still unable to see his face. His voice, however, was slowly crawling, wrapping me up in a dazzling embrace. Only when we passed the threshold and the warm air cupped my face I realized I was shivering, cold as ice. We ate in silence, before the fire and before I could finish my meal, sleep was snooping around me. I have no idea when I fell asleep; I felt only two strong arms picking me up, whispering in low voice, as if talking to a child on the street.

“Let’s get you somewhere safe, for you to rest. There you go, Sehun.”

He pecked me on the forehead and though I wanted to ask him how he knows my name, violins started a new song and my hands were holding Chen’s. I can just ask him tomorrow.

*

It must have been around noon when I finally got up. The sun was, without shame, tormenting me, pocking my eyes and burning half of my face. I was still sleepy and my head felt like alcohol was running through my veins instead of blood. I took a look outside and found myself smiling. Women, kids, men and elders shouting at each other, peddlers negotiating every dime with clients in the middle of the street causing interminable traffic jams. The paved street was already small as it was, but now it looked as if it was about to collapse. There was not a place to throw a needle, let along take a walk. I wondered how they could bare the painful touch of the sun burning their skin. Almost no man was wearing a shirt and those who bothered to have one kept it unbuttoned. The women kept fussing around, like ants before autumn, having no spare time to watch over the kids or anything else for that matter. It looked like the entire household and not only was in their hands, while the men were busy fishing and working the lands. I couldn’t help myself but to picture Baekyun in a house just like this, fussing all day about what to cook.

“Whoa, don’t stay out in the sun so much. Just look at your forehead. Looks like someone spanked you.”

And honestly, only then, my jawline dropped. It was the same voice as yesterday and I was almost convinced that I wasn’t starring – and drawling – at a young man, but at a demigod. I was blessed to see that body, covered only by a white pair of trousers and the sculpted face framed by two locks of dark blonde hair. Little drops of sweat were lingering on your tanned chest – who would be a fool to leave that spot?

“Come on. I’ll show you around.”

As I got closer, he carried on.

“By the way, I’m Calix, but everyone simply calls me Kai.” He smiled and I can’t really understand how such a sweet – at first sight innocent – face matched that voice.

“I’m Sehun, but that’s nothing new.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“My name, you said it last night.”

“Oh have I? I was a bit tipsy to be honest. Last night I got out with some friends and when I wanted to go to bed, my mom sent me after you. But it’s the first time I’m hearing your name. It’s beautiful. What does it mean?”

“I have no idea. Why does it have to mean something?”

“Oh, but, Sehun, everything has a meaning, secret or not.”

“Is that so? What’s yours then?”

He smirked, smiling sheepishly, but remained silent. And so I followed. I didn’t bother to comment when he placed a huge ridiculous hat on my head.

“It will also protect your shoulders.”

Every day we would walk miles, restless, as if running away from something. Sometimes we crossed the fields to get to the other shore, but on days when the heat became unbearable we simply lied under the shadow of a tree, next to an almost inexistent river. The water was still a bit cold and we loved to sink our feet in it, lying in the grass for hours. Sometimes we talked. Sometimes the silence talked for us. But it never felt like it was quite. Even miles away, on the other side on the island, you could still hear the buzzing of the town. If you were listening carefully enough, you could almost distinguish the voices; who was the mad chauffeur for today – Dennis or Evan – who won the chess game - Jorge or Nikos – what girl fell in love today – Aileen or Daria? Kai was an enigma and I reconcile with the mystery that will forever hollow his memory. I’m not sure how to put it into words, for you. He shared his ambitions and plans and secrets with me, but I felt like someone is going to stop me on my way back and search my soul like checking luggage, in the end taking away all the albums and snapshots I have with him, leaving me empty handed. It might make no sense to you right now, but to some extent, it happened. It was a summer I spent there. And yet, I was able to count only 3 weeks. I cannot recall what happened in the meantime and maybe I’m not worth of having and keeping those memories. Maybe they belong to their enigmatic owner, whose voice echoed like thunders in the night.

“Handsome.”

He was standing still, so still that the first time he said it I thought I was just imagining it. But he said it again, louder.

“My name; that’s what it means: handsome. You can’t leave this place without knowing what set my path.”

Startled, I asked “Settled your path? Your name has nothing to do with…”

“Here is where you’re mistaken. It has everything to do with it. Maybe in your home it doesn’t. But here, your name keeps you alive. This way, you know which god you should pray the most to, who watches over you and who doesn’t. In here, if you don’t have a name, you are forgotten. Some say that if you grow old and without family, you must go tell your name to the sea. She will say it for you even after you die, so your spirit will be free to swim in the sea, to fly up in the sky, to dance among the stars in the night.”

“And what if the sea stops saying your name?”

“How bad you must upset the gods for that to happen. The legend says that you are not worth saving or even acknowledged by the immortals, so they would cast you away, leaving your soul to crawl forever on dry earth, never tasting a drop of water, never feeling the see breeze cooling you down, leaving you restless for eternity. Not even Hades would take you in his world.”

He shivered only at the thought, so I squeezed his hand, as if reassuring him that he won’t be one of them.

“Kai?”

“Yeah?“

“When you’ll dance across the stars, which I know you’ll do, will there be any other souls with you?”

“Of course. Some of them may prefer to walk, some to rest their head against a tiny shinny star and read. Some might sing.”

“Some might sing…Will you please let them know I say hi? I can show you a…”

“There’s no need of a picture. Our souls will be linked so I will be able to see the other souls you’ve linked to.”

“So…our souls aren’t linked already?” He let go of my hand, standing up suddenly.

“I will show you my meraki. It’s the essence of myself that I put into this dance.”

As the twilight was about to set in, I felt fear. I don’t know why. It was blurry as he was dancing around me, sometimes entering the water, soaking his clothes, only to remove them later, one by one. I started to unbutton my shirt, throwing it somewhere near the tree. Soon, bodies were melting into each other, not realizing why it’s happening only now, and not knowing –or better, not wishing to know- if it will happen again. It was the first time where I hadn’t been the chaser, only the follower. Only then I realized how much sorrow and pain he was holding, how desperate his kisses were and that his soul was as fragile as strong as his body was. In that late afternoon, it was me who felt like a demigod, worshipped both by the rays of sun and the hands of the living art awakened in Kai. We stayed still in a tight hug, asking myself whether he did it for me or himself. Maybe he prayed to the gods I won’t forget his name and meaning. Maybe he desperately wanted to save his first loved soul, linking me forever to this ancient empire hidden in the clouds. Linking me to a universe I am deemed unworthy of. Have you sacrificed your own soul for me, Kai? In exchange for an hour of fleeting love?

“I’m not worth it…” I whispered as if he could hear all the thoughts and fears running through my head. He could.

“You are fyrgebraec to me, Sehun. You are the breaking sound made by a fire. You consume the person that loves you. You set me up in flames that night when we had dinner and I knew in seconds I was doomed. My soul cracked every day, bit by bit, under your torching siege.”

“Kai…”

“No, don.t ever be sorry, Sehun, for that you are the love one desires to have in this mortal life. Just like a butterfly’s wings touching the candle light, as he dies he discovers the real beauty and the overwhelming power of love; how evil and pure can it be at the same time; your innocent madness; your crazy purity that you don’t think you possess; it’s all lying inside you and it’s all meant to be ransacked by the men you love and by the men that love you. You cannot possibly understand how much we value the piece of heart you give us. The intensity of your love is beyond what mortals can take. It goes beyond that velvet sky. And will always get to Xiumin, Chen, Suho and Baekyun.”

“How do you know about them?”

But I can’t seem to remember anything else. At all. A year later I went back to the island. But Kai was no longer there. The waves took him in a stormy night. I wonder Kai, my handsome, did you whisper your name to the sea before letting your body sink into the black? Have the gods taken you under their wing? If I look up to the sky, will I see you in a tinny star, moving around, restless? Is there someone singing for you so you can dance? Is anybody taking pictures? Is anybody wearing an engagement ring? Have you noticed Xiumin’s purple hair? Isn’t it lovely?

With that, a small door, past my memories, is endlessly re opens. –Trauma


	5. Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, hello. Sooo today I was in such a good mood that I decided I should post another chapter. My stressy depressy mood is gone, at least for today so let's celebrate, people:)) and what better way there is than with another chapter full of drama and sorrow. Well, that being said, enjoy.  
> P.S:Also, in the chapter you will find lyrics from their songs, besides the one from Oasis (at the end). But I am sure you will notice.After all we're all Exo-L's here:))

   You were the one I killed. Literally. But that I don’t regret. What I regret is what we could have been, the life we could have had together. Despite the majority of my boyfriends, you weren’t a complicated man, quite the opposite. You were a big man with an even bigger heart. So silly and childish. Unwillingly, so handsome and sexy in that uniform. And to think I wasn’t even a fan. You were all over the news

“The first Korean Formula 1 pilot to win the Canadian Grand Prix, our one and only…”

This is all my ears and eyes could hear and see no matter where I turned. I kept myself up to date regarding all sorts of sports, until you showed up. So haughty when it came to the press and the fans, that I found it impossible to watch any of your interviews. Imagine my surprise when one of my friends mentioned you’ll join us for dinner.

“So please remind me, how come we got stuck with him tonight? Doesn’t he have more important stuff to do? Like, be famous and cocky? I thought it’s a 24/7 job.”

“It is, but every man needs a break from time to time.” He was taller than I imagined. Hell, he was huge. It was almost comical to see him bending in order to enter the room giving that the door was smaller than him. Looking at him, it felt like God was really confused when he created him: with hair darker than the night, fingers that resembled a pianist and a leather jacket covering a pair of wide shoulders and strong arms; huge eyes and ears were standing out and an even bigger dumb smile covered half of his face. It was almost like your face wasn’t supposed to be attached to that body. Something didn’t add up. For the time, I was really confused to whether I find him attractive or I want to take him out to eat some ice cream.

“Not sure if I’m 30 or 15? It’s okay, I get it all the time. And by the way, the famous cocky guy has a name: Chanyeol. Nice to meet you. Ravi mentioned you. Sehun, if I am not mistaken?” 

“You’re not mistaken. I don’t find any pleasure in meeting you.”

“Yet.” Ravi was about to come up with an excuse for my lack of manners, but he didn’t got the chance as Chanyeol continued:

“It’s okay, Ravi, I like to spice up things from time to time. It keeps me in shape.” He didn’t let go of my hand, still shaking it gently, while looking me in the eyes. I was utterly conflicted to see that he wasn’t upset at all, smiling with both his mouth and eyes at me.

As the dinner continued I realized his arrogance wasn’t by choice, but by nature. He wasn’t bragging about how incredibly good he was, he simply stated it. He had so much confidence and such a high self-esteem that it was almost impossible for outsiders to not perceive him as being cocky. While eating dessert, I caught myself studying his gestures, the way he ran his hand through his hair while laughing, squinting his eyes at food, trying so hard not to drop pasta on his t-shirt. The place looked too small for him, as if he was an elf sitting at a dwarf’s table. He was adorable and I couldn’t help but smile while sipping another glass of wine.

“Are you laughing at me or you got drunk?” Who asks such questions, really?

 “Chanyeol, I don’t know who is the worst between you two. How can you ask him that?”

“It’s okay, Ravi, I like to spice things up from time to time.” He laughed, nodding his head.

“Yeah, yeah, good move, it will keep you in shape. “ We chatted for a little while, but it was getting late and Ravi was half asleep when me and Chanyeol decided we should call it a night.

“Sooo, are you in a hurry to get home?”

“It’s not like someone’s waiting me. But I thought you might have some nice ladies waiting to spice things up in your fancy hotel apartment.”

 “I might have actually thanks to my manager, but it’s not really my type.”

 “One night stands or girls?”

 I caught him by surprise with that question as he lifted his head, facing me. It was spring once again, a year after Suho’s spring. I didn’t feel capable of having something, anything with anyone. At least, until now. We were sauntering the streets, looking from time to time up to the sky, me thinking about what could have been with so many, him thinking of something I’m not yet deemed to know. I was always the type to embrace silence with open arms, but for Chanyeol it was clearly not the case. When we stopped, waiting for the traffic lights to become green once again, he whispered “Girls.” So our little Formula 1 pilot was gay. Strangely, I found myself pleased with the answer, a thread of hope crippling in my soul. Why was I hopeful for something I didn’t even wish to happen? The thread of hope must have gotten to my lips before climbing all the way up to my brain and process it.

“Would you like to stop by my place for a drink? Since girls aren’t really your type.” He smiled again, but instead of him running his hand through his hair, I did. It came naturally and he didn’t mind. He closed his eyes, leaning into my touch. His hair was soft and uncombed, his ringlets flying in the blowing wind. He needed to be loved and cared for and I needed someone to love. The lights went red for the second time. We were waiting to cross the street, hand in hand, smiling like two teenagers on a first date.

I remember Chanyeol with fondness and pangs of sorrow cross my heart knowing he’s dead. Oddly, it’s not his death that I regret but the absence of his presence. His death was imminent and I felt it the moment I sat down in the stands, cheering up and clapping his last minutes on this Earth. I hope you know I don’t hate you for what you made me do. I hope you would have had the courage to do the same for me. I think no one could understand our feelings or actions, but at least we understood each other. Cause all you wanted more than anything in this world was to find someone that gets you, and sees the boy behind the star.   It was painful and I couldn’t hold the tears when it happened, but I also know you forgive me for that. After all, my darling, I was killing you.

When did you start living in my heart? It must have been that night at Ravi’s place where we made sure to spice things up a bit. Hmm. We spiced it enough after, each day and especially, each night. It was all the small things you did for me, Chanyeol, that melted my heart. The way you put your arms around me, from behind, tickling me when your nose would touch the place between my neck and shoulder. I would smile tilting my head to the side, capturing your lips into a soft kiss. You would lean against the couch, pulling me with you and wrap ourselves like burritos with a huge fluffy blanket. It felt like sauna underneath and in the fight for some cool air, my clothes would get lost. Just like yours. The movie on the TV screen would serve as a background, splashing bits of light on our bodies while covering our moans and whispers. You were the easiest to love. You never played games, nor lied, nor hold back. In the night, your eyes never changed  and while your touches were more firm and impatient, your attitude would remain the same. Your love was simple, so much alike with a child’s. You put your everything into our relationship without expecting any thanks.  Often, you would cup my face with your huge hands, fingers spread along my cheeks and hair, eyes locked. You remained silent, although I know you sang “I love you” in your head thousands times. Instead, you kissed me one, twice, three times, after each times, looking into my eyes again , as if checking if I like it or not. Your love was sweet and big, and there are no words for me to describe it. Your love was not meant to be said, but felt. When we made love, with our chests pressed against one another, feeling your heartbeat was a living proof of your devotion to me. Because I knew that those heartbeats were for me and because of me. I loved to curl up in your arms, for you to cover me in sheets and to fall asleep hand in hand, forehead against forehead. You were the only one with whom I felt childish and lovable, unashamed to let out my soft side. There were weekends we spent in bed, with Netflix playing a cheesy drama while I busy placing kisses on the inside of your hand. Hours passed by, having me resting my head on your chest or belly, leaving it up to you to mess up my hair. That time, all my friends told me I looked younger just like you tell a girl how good her new haircut looks on her.

“You seem, I don’t know, brighter. Like the sun finally showed up at your door.”

It did. You were my sun Chanyeol, so maybe that’s why I played along with all your silly wishes. All the shopping sessions, the festivals, the amusement parks. You could have dressed me from head to toe in pink and I wouldn’t have cared as long as their were your pick. The redecorations you did in the house would normally cause me a heart attack but I managed to adapt to the new curtains, bed sheets, plates – all in such happy colors.

But it seems like nothing in my life lasts. It was the Italian Grand Prix that ended you. It was so short and so sudden. The fuss seemed soundless, a crowd of people gesturing wildly, spreading fear and regrets through their mimics. Some were wondering what’s happening but I knew it. My stomach who was twitching, my feet that went numb and limp, my head hanging heavily, my shoulders bending, my hands shaking. Yes, my body knew what has happened. I was about to lose him. We talked about this and I had to play it cool. But how could I, knowing there will no one left to hug me or cup my face. The elders had a reason when they said “For the dead it’s easy, for the living comes the hard part.” Wise words they have spoken. Wise words.

“I am sorry to inform you, but there is absolutely nothing we can do. It’s impossible for him to regain even one percent of his mobility. He can still feel and talk, but he cannot move at all.”

“Can I go see him?”

 “Of course.”

“When can I take him home?”

“Eerh, well, huh. I didn’t think you’ll want to take him home so fast. Of course we can make the arrangements in a few days, as we’d like to keep him under observation for a few more days but…”

“But what?” I snapped.

“But it usually takes more time for the family to adjust to the situation.”

“We will adjust together. Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

You were panicked thinking I might back down. You weren’t afraid of death, but I think you were afraid of the moment. You never told me. “It’s okay. We’ll do it. Just like we talked.”

A week later I took you home. I washed you, dressed you, brushed your hair. We even picked the clothes together. You wanted to wear make up as the wounds on your face haven’t completely healed. After all, you only die once, right? It seems natural you want to, at least, look good.  And so I applied the foundation, the concealer, the contour, the highlighter. But when it came down to apply the eyeliner, I found myself trembling too hard, so we settled to mascara only. But you didn’t mind. You understood, like you always did.

We drove slowly to the forest where we had our official first date. Where we talked about it. There were tall pine trees on both sides and a large lawn in the middle. Right before us, a huge gulf was swallowing the sky. We sat on its edge, this time with me hugging you from behind. This time with me pressing kisses and tears in your hair.

“I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t.”

“Shh, it’s okay. After all, if you cry, it means I was one hell of a boyfriend, huh?” We both laughed for a few seconds. But a strong wind came, as if to remind us why we’re here today.

 “I don’t want to let go, Chanyeol.” By now I was crying so hard I couldn’t speak or breathe properly. “I hate to tell you all this, I know I have to be stronger and don’t think I won’t do it, but I can’t just yet. I just need another minute. Just…just a minute.”

“Take your time, love, I ain’t running anywhere.”

It was so like you to joke around at hard times. Even now you put me first. What a tremendous storm, what thunders and lightings must have stroke your heart back then. But you didn’t show. You looked so peaceful and even though you weren’t smiling, your eyes did not hold fear, but acceptance. You had this amazing gift to take life as it is and to accept your fate without resisting it.

“My only regret is that I’m dying. No, let me rephrase that: I’m sad that I had this accident and this is where my life has to end. I’m sorry I don’t have any more memories with you and that we can’t continue to live together. I would have probably married you, forced you to adopt a child, maybe two. It happened so fast, Sehun, but I knew it. The moment I heard that click I knew something was wrong with the breaks and this will be it. Normally, I would hug you, I would put my arms around you and my chest against your head so you can hear and feel through my heartbeats my gratitude , my infinite love, my everything that I have for you. But I guess now I have to spill it all out since my body won’t listen to my commands anymore. You were my first boyfriend. I never told you that. And what else…ah, I love you. I love you so much that I can’t say. So it’s a bit frustrating. But I love you. Just like pancakes love nutella. That much. You are so beautiful Sehun. Please, make sure you make better decisions about your love life than you have in the past. You can be light and you can be darkness Sehun. Be light, cause the world is so dark already. Aah, and don’t forget me. Don’t forget me, please. It’s not fair what I’m asking of you. My love look at me do you still love me? Look at my eyes and tell me, a heart full of love can’t be hidden.”

You smiled weakly as I looked you in the eyes and pierced your skin with the needle.

“I love you like pancakes love nutella, Chanyeol.”

 “Yes, you do. I see that you do, my love.” And those were the last words he ever spoke. The dusk was taking over the pines, the cliffs, the world. All I could do was to hold the dead body next to my heart before letting him be one with the forest, like we wanted to. But soon, too soon, the twilight got a grip over my soul and there was nothing left for me to do but to dump the body in the abyss. And with him, my light fell into the abyss as well. Because Chanyeol was the one I didn’t want to let go. But you don’t mess with the gods and their plans. They took you away, my sun, my oasis, and I was left to chase a sun I was never going to meet again.

Ever since, I’m on the run. –Oasis

 


End file.
